


Between the Shadow and the Soul

by Likemycoffee



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Ben Mitchell/Paul Coker (past) - Freeform, Callum Highway/ Chris Kennedy (mentioned), M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-14 20:50:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21022076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Likemycoffee/pseuds/Likemycoffee
Summary: Callum sleeps in Paul’s old room now.Ben freaks out about it.





	1. Chapter 1

The restaurant on the Stratford Road was fairly busy but the booth that they were sitting in afforded a semblance of privacy for which Ben was grateful. Callum looked stunning. His blue shirt really brought out his eyes and showed off his slim, toned chest. Ben had sent a possessive glare in more than one direction as the waiter showed them to their table. Callum of course was oblivious to the attention he attracted. He had no idea just how good looking he was; one of the many things Ben found endearing about him. 

They’d foregone starters. Callum had ordered a pasta dish that Ben couldn’t pronounce the name of and Ben had ordered a sirloin steak. The conversation had flowed easily all evening and Ben was glad they’d decided to do this away from Walford where nobody knew them, especially when he looked across the table at Callum and smiling at the way the candlelight illuminated his features. He looked gorgeous; relaxed and sure of himself in a way that Ben found very attractive.

They were nearing the end of their desserts - ice cream for Callum and chocolate fudge cake for Ben - and Ben, innocently brought his spoon up to his lips and licked the last traces of chocolate from it when he heard Callum make a noise that could only be described as a whine. 

‘You alright?’ Ben asked with a concerned frown. 

‘Yeah,’ Callum smiled but he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. ‘I’m fine.’ 

‘You sure?’ 

Callum nodded.

‘You want to get out of here?’ Ben asked. 

‘Erm, yeah...’ Callum said softly. ‘Just... erm... need a minute. You and that bloody spoon.’

Ben’s eyes widened as he realised what Callum’s problem was. ‘Shit... really?’

The thought of Callum sitting across from him with a hard on sent a jolt of lust through Ben and he felt his own body responding in kind. 

Callum nodded shyly. 

‘Well fuck. Now I’ve got a situation of my own.’

Callum bit his lip. ‘Sorry.’

‘Oh baby you’re so cute,’ Ben replied affectionately. 

Callum smiled, and then a moment later he said ‘ok I think I’m good to go.’

Ben grinned. Trying to think unsexy thoughts and he felt his own erection soften. ‘Let’s get out of here,’ he said as he gestured to the waiter to pay the bill. 

***

They managed to keep their hands mostly to themselves as they rode the tube back to Walford, although Ben took the opportunity to press close to Callum, despite the carriage not being at all crowded. When they exited the station and walked back towards Albert Square, Ben reached out and took Callum’s hand in his, tangling their fingers together. He felt Callum’s thumb brush against his wrist and Ben stopped walking, he turned towards Callum and reached up to run his fingers against Callum’s cheek bringing their lips together in a kiss. 

‘Been wanting to do that all night,’ Ben said when they parted and he smiled at the blush spreading across Callum’s cheeks. 

‘Do you want to come back to mine?’ Callum asked with a soft smile. 

Ben raised an eyebrow. ‘On the first date? And here I thought you were a respectable sort.’

‘Oi,’ Callum playfully slapped his arm. ‘Who says I meant for anything other than coffee?’

‘But did you mean coffee, or “coffee”?’ Ben’s hands slid onto Callum’s hips and he pulled Callum closer to him. 

‘You’ll find out if you come back with me won’t you?,’ Callum replied and then his voice dropped lower. ‘And it ain’t the first date really is it? Not if you count Bex’s party... and when we went to the park for them ice creams. I mean this is more like the third date if you really think about it.’

Ben grinned. ‘I suppose if you put it like that...’

‘And you know what they say about third dates.’

‘I might do,’ Ben teased. 

‘Come on,’ Callum said, taking Ben’s hand again and walking off in the direction of his flat. 

’Stuart ain’t here is he?’ Ben asked as they climbed the stairs. 

‘No,’ Callum shook his head. ‘Him and Rainie are out, God knows where so we’ve got the place to ourselves.’

‘Good,’ Ben replied. ‘I don’t much fancy an audience with big brother.’

Callum laughed. ‘Do you want a coffee?’ he asked, standing in the kitchen, looking shyly at Ben. Ben could tell he was nervous. It was adorable. 

‘Only if you do,’ he replied. 

‘I’m alright,’ Callum said and then Ben stepped forward and kissed him again. 

***

Ben was lying on top of Callum on the sofa, kissing him passionately, his hard on pressed against his thigh. Callum’s shirt was halfway unbuttoned and Ben’s hands were slowly exploring the smooth skin beneath. 

Callum was equally hard, his one hand squeezing Ben’s ass and the other stroking along Ben’s back. They both needed more, more skin, more friction. 

‘Do you want to go to bed?’ Callum asked breathily. 

‘Yes...’ Ben sighed in agreement, and he sat up, climbing off Callum. 

‘Not that one,’ Callum said, when he saw Ben was walking towards the master bedroom that had once belonged to him and Whitney. ‘I’m in the smaller one now. Stuart and Rainie are in there.’

Ben stopped dead in his tracks, looking at Callum with an unreadable expression. ‘That one?’ he pointed towards the other bedroom door, hoping that he’d misheard. 

‘Yeah,’ Callum replied. ‘Are you ok?’

‘Um... yeah sure,’ Ben replied. He walked slowly following Callum towards the smaller bedroom and stood in the doorway, looking around him. The room looked different now that it had Callum’s things in it. It was impeccably neat for one thing. Callum’s pictures, books and DVDs were arranged neatly on the shelves; the room smelled of Callum’s aftershave and body spray, not Paul’s but then Ben looked at the bed and he was hit with a wave of guilt. This was still Paul’s room. This would always be Paul’s room. Ben had slept in this room with Paul and they’d held each other all night long after making love... 

‘I can’t do this,’ Ben said softly. 

‘What? Why not?’

‘This room,’ Ben replied and he saw Callum’s eyes widen in realisation. ‘I can’t...’

Ben turned around and went to grab his jacket. ‘I’ve got to go,’ he said and he felt sick with himself at the stricken look on Callum’s face. 

‘Ben I’m sorry alright, I didn’t think...’

‘It’s not your fault,’ Ben replied. ‘I just need to go.’

‘Don’t go. Please. We don’t have to do anything we can just talk...’

‘I’m sorry Cal,’ Ben replied and then he was pushing past him and hurrying down the stairs and out into the night. 

***

Ben sat in the darkness of the car lot office. He didn’t know where else to go. He couldn’t face going home or to his dad’s, there were too many people in both those places. He thought about going to Jay’s but it was late; he couldn’t deal with the inevitable questions and the look of disappointment Jay would have on his face when he found out Ben had screwed everything up with Callum yet again. 

If Ben was being honest, all he really wanted to do was go back to Callum’s and apologise for ruining everything but he remembered the look on Callum’s face as he’d left the flat and he felt sick all over again. 

Why did it have to be that room? The flat itself was one thing, the flat had been Les and Pam’s. He’d been inside the flat itself a few times since they had vacated it, it was Callum’s flat now and he was alright with that, but the bedroom... the bedroom had been Paul’s. The space was so tied up in the memories he had of Paul and memories were now all that he had left. How could Ben be with another man in that room? It felt wrong. It felt like he was being unfaithful; but surely it wasn’t fair to think that way? Paul was dead. He’d been dead for three years and Ben wanted to be with Callum so very desperately. Hadn’t he spent enough time being alone, being lonely? But it still hurt so much. 

Ben put his head in his hands. He knew he’d fucked up. He couldn’t seem to stop fucking up when it came to Callum. He felt tears pricking at his eyes and he let them fall. He didn’t know who he was crying for, Paul, Callum or himself. 

‘You’re an idiot Ben Mitchell,’ said the voice in his head that usually sounded like his dad, but that night it sounded suspiciously like Paul.


	2. Chapter 2

Callum didn’t sleep that night. He shut himself away in his bedroom with the light switched off, ignoring the sounds of Stuart and Rainie when they arrived home just after 1am. 

He’d texted Ben ‘I’m so sorry,’ but he received no reply. Callum couldn’t believe he’d managed to fuck up so badly. Everything had been going so well up until he’d suggested moving to the bedroom. He’d made such a mess of everything. 

He should’ve known that Ben would react badly to being in that room again. He had witnessed it himself. He’d seen Ben crying into the pillows; listened to him talk about how much he missed Paul. How could he be so stupid? He wouldn’t blame Ben if he wanted nothing to do with him now. 

When Callum walked into work the next morning he found Jay already in the office. 

‘Alright?’ he greeted him. ‘You look knackered mate.’

Callum just shrugged. ‘Didn’t get much sleep.’

‘Oh yeah?’ Jay replied with a grin. ‘Good night then was it? Lola said Ben never made it home so I take it the date went well?’

Callum froze when he heard Jay’s words. ‘What?’ he said. ‘Ben didn’t go home last night?’

‘No,’ Jay replied. ‘Didn’t he stay with you?’

Callum shook his head. A thousand thoughts were rushing through his mind. Everything from Ben having somehow hurt himself to him having found some random to cop off with. He hated that he wasn’t sure which scenario was the most likely. 

Jay was reaching for his phone and Callum knew he was calling Ben. When he didn’t answer, Jay left a voicemail telling Ben to call him back and then he turned to Callum again. ‘So what happened?’

‘I messed up,’ Callum admitted. 

‘What did you do?’

‘Well...’ Callum began nervously. ‘We went back to mine after the restaurant and we were... you know...’ he made a gesture with his hands and Jay rolled his eyes. 

‘I don’t need all the gory details about your sex life Callum.’

‘Right, sorry,’ Callum continued. ‘We were... getting along well... so I suggested going to the bedroom and Ben just... well he freaked out.’

‘Over going to bed with you?’ Jay sounded beyond confused. 

‘No... well yeah sort of,’ Callum explained. ‘See I sort of changed rooms when Stuart moved in and I just didn’t think about the fact that that room used to be Paul’s room...’ he trailed off as Jay’s eyes widened in understanding. 

‘So it was about Paul?’ he asked. ‘Did you have a row?’

‘No not exactly. He just said he couldn’t do it and he walked out. I tried texting but he never replied. It’s my fault. I should’ve realised it would upset him.’

‘Don’t be too hard on yourself mate,’ Jay said resignedly. ‘Ben’s something of an expert in self sabotage.’

‘I thought he would’ve just gone home,’ Callum said. ‘What if something’s happened to him?’

‘Don’t worry,’ Jay stood up from the desk and pulled on his coat. ‘I’m gonna go find him. There’s only so many places he could be.’

***

When he didn’t find Ben at the Arches, Jay went straight round to the car lot. Finding the office door locked, Jay banged on the door. He heard a groan, followed by a shout of ‘we’re closed,’ from inside. 

‘It’s me Ben,’ Jay called. ‘Open the door.’

Jay heard Ben swear and then some banging before finally, the door was opened. 

‘Fuckin’ hell Bruv. You look worse than Callum and that’s sayin’ something,’ Jay said taking in Ben’s disheveled appearance. Jay pushed his way past Ben and into the office. ‘It stinks in here,’ he continued. There were a couple of empty lager bottles on the floor and a blanket on the sofa, indicating where Ben had spent the night. 

‘What do you want Jay?’

‘Checking you ain’t dead,’ Jay replied. ‘You didn’t go home last night and Callum was worried about you. Me, I knew you’d turn up eventually but I thought I’d better find you before you did something even more stupid.’

‘Callum told you then?’ Ben asked. ‘Is he alright?’

‘Well that depends,’ Jay replied. ‘You know he thinks it’s his fault don’t ya?’

Ben sighed and threw his head back. ‘It ain’t his fault.’

‘No, I know.’

‘I just... I don’t know. I was in that room and I couldn’t. It just felt wrong.’

‘So instead of talking about it like an actual grown up you just ran away?’

‘That’s about the size of it, yeah.’

Ben sat down on the sofa and looked across at Jay who had his arms folded, leaning against the desk. ‘I know I messed up, alright?’

‘Look, I get it,’ Jay sighed. ‘I know how you are about stuff with Paul, but Callum is the first bloke you’ve shown more than a passing interest in for years. That’s got to mean something.’

‘Then why do I keep messing up?’ 

‘I don’t know,’ Jay replied. ‘But I think you need to decide what you want for the future instead of living in the past all the time.’

When Ben didn’t say anything, Jay moved to sit beside him on the sofa. ‘Don’t you think Paul would want you to be happy?’

Ben just nodded. 

‘Course he would,’ Jay agreed. ‘So fix it then.’

‘And how do I do that?’

’Well for starters you need to stop running away the second things get a bit rough. Try actually talking about how you’re feeling.’

‘What if it’s too late for that?’

Jay rolled his eyes at Ben. ‘Honestly Bruv. Go home, have a shower and go apologise to him because I can’t take the pair of you moping around much more.’

***

Callum was trying to work through the invoices but he was struggling. Jay had reappeared in the office around 40 minutes after he’d left and said only that he’d found Ben and was alright before announcing that he was going out to meet a client. Callum had wanted to ask him more about Ben but Jay had been adamant that he was running late and hurried off without another word on the subject. 

Callum was still running through the events of the previous night in his mind, kicking himself for being so stupid and ruining possibly the best thing that had ever happened to him when he heard the front door open. He stood up and walked out into the reception area to see who it was but stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Ben, standing in the doorway. 

‘Hiya,’ Ben said sheepishly. 

‘If you’re looking for Jay he’s gone out,’ Callum replied. 

‘No... I wanted to see you,’ Ben told him. ‘If you ain’t too busy.’

Callum’s expression softened. ’No it’s alright. Come through.’

Ben walked into the back office behind Callum. ‘You want a cuppa?’ Callum asked and Ben was immediately reminded of the previous night, how Callum had stood nervously in his kitchen asking if he wanted a coffee. 

‘Please,’ he said softly. 

‘Look Ben,’ Callum said when he pressed the hot mug of tea into Ben’s hands. ‘I wanted to say I’m sorry.’

‘Cal...’

‘No let me finish,’ Callum insisted. ‘I should’ve realised it would be too much for you. I just got carried away honestly, I didn’t think about it. I didn’t mean to ruin things.’

‘You didn’t,’ Ben replied. ‘You didn’t ruin anything. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have run out on you like that. I’m sorry.’

‘Oh...’ Callum didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t been expecting Ben to apologise. 

‘I never really talk about Paul,’ Ben said. ‘It’s hard to remember him without remembering how he died.’

‘I get that,’ Callum replied. 

‘I thought I’d be with him forever,’ Ben continued. ‘I loved him.’

Callum looked down at is hands. ‘It’s alright if you ain’t ready for any of this,  
Ben.’

Ben was quiet for a moment, studying Callum’s expression. ‘You mean that don’t ya?’ he asked. 

‘Course I do.’ It would hurt like hell, Callum thought to himself. But he would let Ben go if it was what Ben wanted. 

‘See that’s the thing,’ Ben replied. ‘I didn’t want to be ready. I didn’t want to let anyone close. I push people away because then I won’t get hurt. But you came along and I don’t know how or when it happened but I am ready now, and it’s scary. That’s what happened last night I got scared because if I’m ready to move on it means I’ve let Paul go and I’ve been holding onto him for such a long time. I got scared and I ran away...’ he trailed off and Callum instinctively reached out to take his hand. 

‘When I was in the army,’ Callum began. ‘I had this mate called Chris. He sort of took me under his wing. We did everything together.’ Callum paused and he looked at Ben, seeing his attention was fixed on him, Callum squeezed his hand. ‘Chris was gay,’ he continued. ‘Nothing ever happened between us but I knew he liked me. I liked him too but I couldn’t admit it then. I never told him.’

‘What happened to him?’ Ben asked.

‘He died,’ Callum said. ‘Killed in action.’

‘Fuck,’ Ben sighed. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘I know it’s not the same,’ Callum told him. ‘But I’m just trying to say I understand a bit of how you must be feeling.’

’I do want to try and make this work,’ Ben said softly. ‘Me and you. I’m sorry I keep messing up.’

Callum smiled. ‘You can make it up to me.’

‘Can I?’ Ben asked. 

‘Yeah. How about tonight? Drinks at the Albert?’

‘Alright,’ Ben agreed. ‘I’ll pick you up about 8?’

‘You don’t have to go yet do you?’ Callum asked as Ben stood up to leave. 

‘Don’t you have work to do?’ 

‘Well the boss isn’t here,’ Callum replied. ‘And there’s nothing to say you have to wait until tonight to start making it up to me.’

‘Well if you put it like that...’ Ben said with a smile, hooking his fingers into the belt loops of Callum’s trousers and pulling him closer. Callum leant down and brought their lips together in a kiss. 

***

When Jay got back half an hour later, to his surprise he was met with a locked office door. Then a noise that sounded like something falling to the floor. 

‘Callum?’ he called. ‘You in there?’

Then he heard his brother’s voice. ‘Callum can’t talk right now Jay. He’s got his mouth full.’

‘Oh for fuck’s sake you two,’ Jay shouted. ‘You’d better not be doing it on my desk.’

He heard Ben laugh and he walked away into the other room, closing the door so he could ignore the now positively pornographic moans that he knew Ben was putting on just to wind him up even further, but Jay had a smile on his face. He knew they’d work it out in the end. He pulled out his phone and called Lola to ask if she wanted to meet him for lunch. With any luck his office would be free again by the time he got back.


End file.
